There's a Facebook chain posting where you write 25 random things about yourself, thereby allowing all your friends to peer through a little window into your world. Here's mine.
25 random things1. The revelation of Things to others, however random, is a TOTAL violation of my Show No Weakness policy. What if you people spot some kind of Balkan soft underbelly and attack?!?! I guess you can decode this one as an admission that I am aggressively defensive, not comfortable with criticism (however constructive) and can't have honesty without a punchline to defuse it.
2. I love movies. I have been to Sundance twice, have Netflix and two movie channels, will watch anything anytime, am a standard go-to for the answer to entertainment questions, and have a standing self-bet that I can name any movie that shows on TV between the time it starts and the time the title rolls.
3. Sadly, I don't really understand "sports". Thingy in the goal. Thingy over the line. Go for two. Don't block in the back? Whatever.
4. Ironically, I am El Commissionero Magnifico of illegal gambling pools on football, basketball, and even baseball. Turns out, you don't have to appreciate sports to appreciate the rewards of gambling thereupon.
5. I use a lot of words. It's what I do.
6. My first car was a Honda Prelude. Wrecked it. My second car was a Datsun 280Z. Wrecked it. My third car was a Jeep Cherokee. Drove it until it smelled funny. Thus begat the Bronco era, as fondly and incorrectly remembered as the Antebellum South.
7. My dog is my boy. He was a handful of heartbeat and fur about 12 years ago; and now, much older, he still limps to meet me at the door every day. He's sullen, bitter, distrusting, gregarious, loving, carnivorous, agedly unathletic, selectively friendly, occasionally enthusiastic, perpetually hopeful, and always thrilled to see his friends. I don't know where he gets it.
8. Underneath the house freaks me out more than any other thing. My greatest fear is knee-walking under there on some critical home maintenance mission, rising up between two floor joists, and come down wearing a spiders' nest like an Afro.
9. I lettered in High School. In Quiz Bowl. Two years. Captain of the team. My letter has no football, no winged track foot -- it's a lamp of knowledge. Try using that to meet chicks. For best results, try using more words. You may need to supplement this with financial success or frequent gymnasium visits.
10. My grandmother owned a business, survived a mass murder, cared for my grandfather through MS and cancer, became a sad alcoholic, and died with Alzheimer's in a nursing home with no memory or property. She taught me two things on purpose: (1) you're going to meet a lot of people you don't like and you better get used to it, and (2) wear a towel when you walk from the bathroom to the bedroom; it's just basic courtesy. She taught me another thing by observation: Life sure is complicated... full of love and hurt and loss and forgiveness, but mostly complicated.
11. I wish I were a fireman. I have the helmet, and you know I can get the mustache.
12. I wish I could drive my car like a stuntman. Actually, I already do; I just wish I had formal training and a certificate to give the authorities.
13. I wish I did something that was worthwhile. I admire people that put it all out there, and I guarandamntee you they aren't in Global Financial Investment Marketing Service Management.
14. There's nothing I admire more than Cleverness, nothing I detest more than Lack of Consideration. I'm looking at you, person having loud conversation on cell phone.
15. While not strictly "scared" of children, since they don't build nests in the crawl space, I am not entirely comfortable around them. Their noises are not pleasing to the ear, their hands are often smeared with jelly and snot, and I was once bitten by a toddler. If you know how tall a toddler is, and what sensitive area is about teeth-tall on a man, you can calculate exactly how wary I am now.
16. I married my high school sweetheart. She is my most trusted partner in crime and confidence, my best audience, my favorite performer, my keeper and my responsibility, my challenge, my support, and the one I love most clumsily but purely. She does not High Five.
17. I own a reasonable number of firearms, and can use them. I count among my proudest moments the time I took Dad shooting, and he turned to say, "You're really good."
18. I can make linguine alla puttanesca really, really well.
19. Skynet rules.
20. "Good things happen to net givers."
21. I like to watch people smile, when their eyes crinkle at the corners. People with experience laughing are good people.
22. "I was gonna" is no longer part of my Library of Excuses. Either make the mix tape, or don't.
23. Every voicemail message my mother leaves is always to the maximum of three minutes, and devotes at least one minute to the weather conditions of the recent week. I cannot find the "skip ahead" command. One day, this statement will make me sad.
24. I don't want to be excluded, yet I do not like to be discussed.
25. I will help you move, for beer. I will help you move the body, for whatever reason that's important to you. Friendship is more than Christmas cards, bub.
